Turn “We’re at War” into “We’re on the Same Side” with This 5-Step Tool

Turn “We’re at War” into “We’re on the Same Side” with This 5-Step Tool

Aug 13, 2025

In high-conflict environments—whether in a war zone or a tense boardroom—the most dangerous weapon isn’t always the one in your hand. It’s often the belief in your head.

A Story from the Field

Years ago, whilst deployed to Afghansitan. I had a platoon commander who decided to take out his frustration on me. This resulted in bullying and denegrating me on a daily basis. I was his radio operator, my job was to make him look good. So I started making him look bad in retaliation. Often subtle resistance that made it look like me just making mistakes, once I tried it a couple of times I thought ok am I prepared to compromise my own level of professionalism in order to gain some ground.


In addition to that, I was being threatened with being sacked everyday, told I was worthless (with more colourful language that I'm prepared to share here) and worse. Often what would happen on a mission we'd head out and something would happen which would typically start the process of him being mean to me, I don't use terms like 'him being mean to me' often but in the years that have passed I have minimised how I explain it. Indicating how I now feel about the experience.


Eventually it got to the point for my own mental health, that I had to quit working for this platoon commander, when I did I was able to remove the emotion from the situation and view what was happening as not working as opposed to being terrible, horrible or awful. Which it I did appear at times to be.


The Workplace War Zone

You don’t need fatigues and flak jackets to be caught in a battlefield. In workplaces, battle lines form quietly, you often, thankfully, wont be threatened with being sacked on a regular basis or verbally denegrated but the effect can be just as damaging. Beliefs that can make things worse that are common to most people are:

  • They must agree with my idea, or they don’t respect me.
  • They must not question me, or they’re undermining my role.
  • They must change, not me.

These “musts” sound logical in the heat of emotion. But they’re not. They’re rigid demands that escalate conflict and close down communication.

Why Rigid Beliefs Are So Destructive

Rigid beliefs:

  • Leave no room for nuance
  • Fuel blame and defensiveness
  • Create an “us vs them” mindset
  • Prevent learning or resolution

This is what Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), warned against: demandingness—the belief that life (and people) must conform to our expectations. When they don’t, we don’t just get frustrated—we go to war.

How to Shift the Battle Lines

Here’s how you can begin to soften the mental rigidity that creates conflict:

1. Spot the ‘Must’

Ask yourself: What demand am I making here?

Is it: “They must do it my way”? “They must never disagree with me”?

2. Challenge the Belief

Use REBT’s three tough questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Does it logically follow?
  • Is it helping me?

Often, we’ll find our belief isn’t grounded in truth, logic, or usefulness.

3. Replace It with a Flexible Belief

Try:

  • “I’d prefer they agree, but I can handle it if they don’t.”
  • “It’s okay to be challenged—it doesn’t make me weak.”
  • “Disagreement is part of collaboration, not an attack.”

Final Thought

Once you learn to effectively challenge your beliefs with the ABCDE model and flexible beliefs you will get to place to determine if the situation works or it does not. As in my case I found that it didn't, ruminating over the situation as long as I did didn't help and an earlier intervention could've prevented unnecessary upset overtime. Imagine what could happen at work if we all did the same.