Why Workplace Conflict Feels Like War: How Irrational Beliefs Escalate Tension

Workplace conflict doesn’t just show up in disagreements—it can feel like a battlefield. Emotions run high, alliances form, communication breaks down, and suddenly, the focus shifts from solving problems to defending egos. But what actually turns a minor disagreement into something that feels like war?
More often than not, the answer lies in our beliefs.

The Invisible Weapon: Irrational Beliefs

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) teaches us that it’s not the events themselves that cause our emotional reactions—it’s our interpretation of them. At the heart of most workplace tension are irrational beliefs that silently fuel emotional overreaction and defensiveness. Here are three common ones that escalate conflict:

“They must respect me at all times.”

This belief turns every perceived slight into a personal attack. When someone speaks bluntly or disagrees, it’s not just feedback—it’s disrespect, and suddenly you're in protection mode.

“If they don’t agree with me, they’re against me.”

This all-or-nothing mindset casts colleagues as enemies, not collaborators. It erodes trust and creates division, even when the disagreement is small or healthy.

“I can’t stand being challenged—it’s unbearable.”

The belief that discomfort is intolerable magnifies minor stressors into crises. It drives avoidance, passive-aggression, or explosive confrontation.

Why It Feels Like War

These beliefs create a siege mentality. You’re not just having a conversation—you’re defending your worth, battling for control, and anticipating attack. That’s exhausting and damaging for everyone involved.
What’s worse is that once one person escalates, others often follow suit, reinforcing the emotional temperature of the team. It becomes a feedback loop of defensiveness, withdrawal, and miscommunication. No wonder it feels like war.

The REBT Response: Disarm the Beliefs

To move from conflict to collaboration, we need to challenge and replace these beliefs. Here’s how:

Identify the trigger and your belief.

Pause and ask: “What did I tell myself about this situation?” Was it something like, “They shouldn’t have spoken to me like that,” or “They’re trying to make me look bad”?

Dispute it with logic and evidence.

Is it really true that disagreement equals disrespect? That you can’t tolerate discomfort? That mistakes or challenges ruin everything? Probably not.

Replace it with a rational belief.

Try: “I prefer to be spoken to with respect, but I can handle it when it doesn’t happen.” Or, “We can disagree without being enemies.”

These small shifts don’t make conflict disappear—but they reduce the emotional heat and return power to you. You’re no longer reacting from threat—you’re responding from clarity.

Final Thoughts

Conflict is inevitable. But escalation isn’t. When we recognize how our beliefs shape our reactions, we take the first step toward peace—not just with others, but with ourselves.
Next time conflict rises, ask yourself:

“Am I fighting them, or am I fighting my own belief about what just happened?”

That one insight can change everything.